I never thought of drinking in the presence of non-drinkers.
Jack london
Quitting drinking is difficult, but possible. Only a truly loving loved one can help in such a situation. Those who try to help an alcoholic to stop drinking, to save him, to solve some of his problems (for example, housing) will get nowhere. Love alone is also not enough to get rid of the toughest addiction, you still need to know what to do. Since it happens that the strongest and noblest human feeling in a certain situation leads relatives to save an alcoholic, you create the wrong stereotype of relationships with him. As a result, they only contribute to the development of alcoholism and become codependent themselves.
The traditional role of the relatives of alcoholics, mostly the wife, is that of the "nanny. " In the classic version, the "nanny" does everything possible and impossible to keep the family afloat, and those around them do not know that there is an alcohol problemShe takes care of the family, keeps the house tidy, brings up children, and this upbringing also has its peculiarities: Children are taught from an early age not to "take dirty laundry out in public. " The relationship with the "half" who drink"Nanny" depends on the state that "half" is in. During a binge, "Nanny" takes care of an alcoholic: finds him where he drinks and brings him home; calls to workand says he is sick; tries to neutralize his aggression and often endures blows and insults; feeds and washes him.
During a sober period, the "nanny" may continue to patronize and please the alcoholic in hopes of preventing him from drinking, or, on the contrary, burdening him with various acts and duties. In both cases, after a while, another high develops and everything starts all over again. Such a cyclic relation algorithm can exist for any length of time. The "nanny" not only aggravates the development of alcoholism through her actions - she herself can no longer live any differently in the end. That is why the wives of alcoholics, when they marry again, choose drunks or drug addicts as companions.
In general, no matter who is ill with them - husband, wife, father, mother, son, daughter - all relatives should not do anything that contributes to the development of addiction. This means the following:
The drinker has to solve his problems himself.
Now that he creates it for himself, let him decide. Otherwise he will not have a barrier before the next schnapps, as he hopes for your help. Sometimes it comes to absurdity: the man has spent the whole "family pot" to drink, there is nothing in the house, and the woman runs around her acquaintances, borrows money to pay the debts of her husband that he has during the binge drinking.
Trying to save means there is no need to call an alcoholic at work and say that he is seriously and suddenly sick. First, it's not good to cheat - don't set a bad example for children; second, after two or three such calls, no one will believe you and they will at least laugh at you softly; and third - today you save him from a simple flogging that might have stopped him, and tomorrow he'll drink even more and end up losing his job.
It is totally unacceptable, in our view, for compassionate loved ones to buy alcohol themselves to get an alcoholic drunk. With the same success, you can offer medicine or some other poison to a loved one.
the treatment is not always pleasant and painless.
For example, if a person has an abscess somewhere on their body, you can hide it under clothes, pour deodorants so that there is no odor, create greenhouse conditions for a person so that they move less and do not feel pain. As a result, all of this will lead to the development of sepsis and death. If an abscess is opened despite the pain, a course of antibiotics is "punctured", although this is also quite painful, there is a high chance that the person will recover.
You have to keep your promises, and if you can't keep them, it is better not to give.
Alcoholics, climbers and drug addicts are very sensitive to where something can be achieved and where there will be a categorical rejection. In this respect they are like children and should often be communicated with them as with children: praise where necessary and punish where necessary. But not a single, even the most insignificant, episode related to alcohol consumption should be ignored, and of course it is necessary that the degree of "punishment" corresponds to the degree of the "crime". And don't let the solid age and representative demeanor of the "guilty" confuse you. A solid carrot and whip policy often works well in a variety of age groups and social backgrounds.
For example, if a woman promises her husband that she will divorce him if he bites again, and he literally gets "on the eyebrows" that evening, then at least the next day she should write a divorce declaration and ask her husbandto sign that he agrees. The application submitted to the registry office can always be taken away, but practice shows: Such decisive actions make the husband think about his problems much more quickly than numerous accusations and unfulfilled promises.
Your attitudes towards alcohol should be consistently negative.
Any consumption of alcohol, even the slightest, even the smell of smoke, should not go without your negative review. This doesn't mean you have to go on plate smashing scandals every time. This should by no means happen - such "showdowns" will only lead to an alcoholic with a clear conscience "reducing stress" and happy to tell sympathetic drinking companions what kind of slut his wife is and that he drinks her for that reason. Such situations, of course, should be discussed calmly - soberly, their reasons should be analyzed and real conclusions drawn. It should look something like this:
- Expensive! Yesterday at a party you drank again, despite your promise not to. It was very uncomfortable for me because at the end of the evening you looked completely naughty and the return from you was just scary, you acted so aggressively.
- You see, yesterday I was in a very bad mood because of work problems and decided to have a drink so as not to spoil the mood of others with my appearance. And next to me was the hostess's husband who poured for me all the time, so I didn't have time to eat. And the vodka was probably of poor quality - I still have a headache. That's probably why I went overboard.
- It seemed to me that if a man gives his word, then he should keep it! And it turns out that breaking the promise made is easier for you than saying "no" when pouring vodka!
- Understand. . .
- No, I do not understand! Let's not fool ourselves! Over the past year we have had to talk about it more and more - I think it's time to consult specialists.
- You need - you and be treated.
- Firstly, we both need it, and secondly, nobody will treat you, we will only talk to a psychotherapist about how to behave in certain drinking-related situations.
Sometimes such a conversation is enough for a person with alcohol problems to come over to us, but more often it resists in every possible way, pointing out the lack of free time, the uselessness of this visit and many other "valid" reasons. You have to be persistent and insist on yourself more and more resolutely with each new alcoholic episode. In addition, if conversations are ineffective, don't hesitate to use other pressure methods that should instigate your intuition and knowledge of your loved one's character. By the way, do not forget to regularly remind that in developed countries every more or less confident person has his own psychologist with whom he meets regularly. And not having it is as embarrassing as riding a hunchbacked "zaporozhets", for example.
All conversations with an alcoholic should have some logical ending.
Every conversation, every argument about an existing alcohol problem should end with a constructive decision. In no case should you stop halfway and allow your patient's alcoholic "me" to deceive everyone again and force them to postpone real anti-alcohol activities indefinitely, because conversations like this usually end with a promisethe alcoholic to stop drinking and everyone calms down. It is clear that after a while everything repeats itself again and so on - to infinity. So when your drinking relative tells you that he has understood everything, has realized, deeply regretted it and will no longer be so, take his word for it that if he drinks at least one more (no matter how much) you will go to a psychologist together.
If you are keeping from drunkenness, do not drink in the presence of an alcoholic.
Also, the smartest thing the patient's relatives can do is avoid alcoholic beverages or keep them at home. Alcohol in such a house can only be in one form - as part of external disinfectants (iodine, brilliant green and the like). And although many of our patients who have not drunk in many years feel completely calm in drinking societies and are indifferent to alcohol, it is better to play it safe. The less provocative factors, the calmer. This is first and second, think about the following:
The situation is not very promising when an alcoholic who categorically does not see himself as such educates another alcoholic and tries to help him (along with the Green Snake) create everyday and social problems "more successfully". It is clearthat appeals for a sober life sound unconvincing when they smoke, and the difference between a sick person and a similarly "healthy" person is that he has not yet lost his job and his wife has not yet left him.
Don't hide the fact that your loved one has a drinking problem.
This is not about the urgent need to tell everyone about your husband's drunken antics. No, but you should not deceive, mislead or pretend you do not know anything. In no case should you deceive children, let alone force them to lie. As a rule, they know and understand everything perfectly.
If you are sure that involving people who influence the alcoholic will help solve the problem: parents, adult children, friends, bosses, co-workers, moving the matter forward - don't hesitate to tell them all about it and aroundAsking for help.
The conversation with the alcoholic must be factual.
It is not enough to say that he drinks a lot and often. For him that's an empty phrase. You need to prepare beforehand to talk to an alcoholic, especially if you want to involve someone else on the matter. To do this, it makes sense to record the frequency of alcohol episodes, the degree of intoxication and behavior in this state. Simply put, you need to keep a journal and preferably with illustrations. That is, if it is possible to videotape drunken flights, then it must be done, and you will discuss the moral and moral aspects of such acts in saving your loved one about the consequences of a serious and incurable disease.
The alcoholic needs to have objective information about his illness.
A person who drinks unconsciously perceives any information one-sidedly: He only hears and sees what he wants and what he does not want - he ignores it, ignores it. Of course, only information that does not harm the friendship with the Green Snake should enter the consciousness. The role of the censor is played by this very alcoholic "I", the inner voice that resounds in every alcoholic and justifies, disguises and conforms to the norm in every possible way everything that has to do with drinking.
In this context, in order for all negative information about the disease and its consequences to reach the addressee, it is necessary to approach the solution of the problem creatively. You won't get anywhere if you cover all the walls with newspaper clippings and anti-alcohol posters. But if you say by chance that one of your mutual acquaintances, who by the way was a few years younger than you, is already in the afterlife and is to blame for his next intoxication, an alcoholic can become thoughtful.
One of our patients "woke up" (in his words) after barely recognizing his school friend in one of the homeless people who were poking around in the garbage.
Be sure to let the alcoholic read our book, it is specially written to be interesting for everyone.
Help the alcoholic's sober "me".
Do not wait for the alcoholic to start changing their life stereotype, actively help them (but not be intrusive). Take him to the cinema, theater, sports fields, take him out of town, introduce him to interesting people. This is often very difficult for the alcoholic himself (if he is of course still socially adapted) because he is constantly short of time - the green snake takes up the lion's share of his time. And he has already lost the habit of such events, he does not know from which side to approach them.